Wednesday, April 25, 2012

EPIC FAIL

Going so good and feeling so proud of myself. Step on the scale and see I'm dropping weight!

Then it happens-
I walk into work not one but two boxes of donuts....I can resist................no I can't I fail I grab a donut. Then of course I sit and sulk over the fact that I ate it. I am not going to lie I actually debated on going into the bathroom and throwing it up....what the hell is wrong with me! I didn't do this I just thought about it.

I then proceeded to think SCREW IT I suck I'll be fat forever. I go to Denny's and get a order of buffalo chicken strips with extra ranch, sprite and a slice of peanut butter pie (yummmmm) this was my lunch. I ate it so fast I don't think I even tasted it. Then of course more guilt and besides guilt I felt aweful. My stomach was aching.

Then it hit me....what are you doing? Sure you screwed up you ate a donut then you made it worse by having a horriable lunch. STOP THE MADNESS!  I proceeded to gulp down the water the rest of the afternoon and as soon as I got home I through on my workout clothes (t-shirt & sweats) nothing fancy. I grabbed my IPOD started the couch to 5K program and off I went. 2.25 miles in 30 mins! I made my fat cry...and I felt good..tired but good. Then as I rounded the corner to my house here comes my friend to see if I wanted to go for a walk with her and her baby. Every ounce of me wanted to say "No, I just got done working out I'm pooped" but instead I said "Sure let me grab a quick drink of water" I gulped down a bottle of water and off I went. We walked about 2.50 miles by this point my legs were aching. Arrived at my house and I felt great! GREAT! Yes, I screwed up my food but I worked out and had a good dinner.

My point. You make mistakes I didn't get fat because I make good food choices. But I have to learn to get back on the horse and hold tight to stay on.

This morning I made myself and my daughter a good breakfast and headed off to work FULL. There was still a half a box of donuts sitting on the table but I didn't care. I walked by them without even looking in. I filled up my water bottle and headed for my desk. Today I will try VERY hard to make good choices because TODAY is the only day I can control.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Lots of changes

So this week I tried VERY hard to eat well, drink lots and lots of water and of course RUN!
I did great. Two days of running one of those days I even took my grandson and pushed him in the stroller (that was tough) and I walked two days with the dogs. I had one bad night of eating (BF fault). I was really proud of myself though. Today (cuz I forgot yesterday) the scale read 212.6 yeah for me 5lbs! I know the weight won't continue to come off fast but this is encouraging.
I keep reading other blogs to keep me motivated even though they are all past the journey I am just starting.
If your reading this....YOU can DO IT!

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Run baby Run

Alright so I've been talking the talk and today it was time to finally RUN it. First run in almost 8 months tonight. (insert minor shin splint) I'm not sure if it's all the weight I've gained (stress eater) but man i am out of shape! Mind you I have gained roughly 22 lbs since my heaviest point last year. WHO THE HELL GAINS THAT MUCH IN A YEAR!!!! I can almost double that if I go to what I had lost last summer.
Anyway I started my couch to 5K program again on my IPOD (third year in a row of starting) Third time is a charm?!? I feel more focused I feel like I know this is a LIFE change not just a summer one. I feel good about it this time something in my head is different.
My life is so *&%&^$%&* right now but I'm am going to use that as focus. Got on the scale today (I have been eating good) and guess what 212.2!!! Whoo Hoo!  (Pat on the back)
 
 

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Running starts tonight!

I've been trying to get my mind right so I can start running again. You have to have some sort of focus to run. My life has been in such turmoil because of my 19 yr old son that I have been side-tracked.
Anyway I read this and thought I'd share:
RUNNER’S PERKS:Running improves your cardiovascular system, strengthening your heart and lunges
It lowers your blood pressure.
It’s convenient and affordable
It burns calories to aid in weight loss
Your body secretes mood enhancing hormones to fight depression
Running relieves stress
It also boosts confidence when you set, and reach, goals
Running helps smokers improve lung health and air capacity
It gives you a way to support various causes (Susan G. Komen, etc)
Runners may live longer because their heart beats up to 36,000 times less a year than an inactive person
by: Bonnie Pfeister

Monday, April 16, 2012

What do you have to lose?

There will always be reasons why you can't do the things you want to do. " I don't have time, "I don't know how to get started," "I don't have the motivation," "I don't have the money," How bad do you want it? There will probably be some sort of sacrifice to get it but you have to be willing to give to get. If it takes you years to accomplish what you feel you were put on this earth to do, will it be worth it? Yon won't know until you get past your "reasons" and give it your very best. 
What do I have to lose? Weight...I have to give this my motivation & time.  
 

Losing battle

I wake up every morning with good intentions. Really I do!
Like today I woke up packed a healthy breakfast and lunch. Then it happens, I walk into work and donuts. I try to be strong but I fail. I grab a choc. covered donut and head for my office. I eat it without tasting it. It's gone and then comes the guilt. Why did I eat it? I knew I had good food packed. I think about throwing up...then I think screw it I'll just keep packing on the pounds who cares. Then I remember I can do this! I will start again with lunch good choices. Push the water.
UGH----this is a losing battle in more ways than one. Losing lbs and Losing motivation and Losing focus alot. 
I am strong. I am going to do this....................for ME!

Thursday, April 12, 2012

My son

When a grown child of yours starts to consume all your energy. When you LITERALLY feel them sucking the life from you.  What do you do? Do you let go? If it were a stranger or a friend you would probably walk away. But when it is your own flesh and blood how do you handle it?

I'm at such a loss emotionally today.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Today is the day.....today is the day I tell the world and maybe the first time I admit it to myself


So I left for vacation on March 31st and for some unknown reason I decided to step on the scale. Now why would one do this right before leaving on vacation? I have NO idea....my mind if full of mystery. I think it was one of those spur of the minute ideas and then as soon as you step on the scale you scream WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING!?!?!

I had planned on getting on the scale as soon as I returned from AZ and decided that would be my starting point. Why? I don't know maybe so I could gain a couple more lbs and not feel guilty maybe so I could have one more week to just hide myself from the reality of  me being FAT. I haven't figured out how my mind works yet so who am I to guess.

One thing I do know is I am sad. Sad that every single year I say I won't get any bigger. Sad that I used to blame my ex-husband for telling me how fat I was so I kept gaining to piss him off. Sad that I think I continue to get fat to hide myself from some childhood sadness. Somehow I blame the fat like it is my prison. But who choose to live in this prison? ME! Why? I am happy (except for not getting along with my son--long story) I really am HAPPY. But inside I have some stuff to fix. I've known this for quite awhile. I started to fix it but then pushed it back into the closet so I didn't have to face it. The fact that a year ago I was skinner and running and most of all feeling good about myself tells me alot. Dealing with issues head on worked. Stuffing them in the closet doesn't.

Back to the scale 3/3/12 = 217.3 (YIKES) Biggest I have EVER been in my life.
and after vaction  4/7/12 = 217.8 (WHAT) that was my first reaction. I only gained .5 lb on vacation!

So earlier I said I don't know what I was thinking getting on the scale right before walking out the door on vacation. But you know what I think my mind knew exactly what it was doing. I didn't over eat sure I did indulge a bit. But I thought about most everything I was eating. I even suggested a hike to my family. I about died doing it but I suggested it and we did it. I hiked a mountain! (Small but still)

A year ago I was at 198 and I swore to myself I would NEVER let myself weigh 200lbs. I started running, eating right and just plain taking care of myself. I did two 3K's and a 5K and I lost about 24-27 lbs. Most of all though I felt GREAT! STRONG! POWERFUL! Sure I hated working out most days I had to drag myself out of the house to run or go to the gym. But when I finished I ALWAYS felt good. I can't explain it. It's a type of high....and I loved it. Then I let it slip I gave up on myself.

So here today is when I stop hiding in a closet. I stop thinking I can't do it.

Today is when I start admitting I need help. I start putting me first for once. Today I find the JOANNE I wan't to be the me I know I can be! Today the scale only goes down from here on out. I want to be healthy I don't want to be on medications anymore. I just want to be so much more than I am at this point. I know I can do it.