Friday, September 28, 2012

Life & Attitude

I've been doing alot of soul searching. Somethings I'd rather just turn my mind off than think of the what, when, where and how of the situations. I'm not the only one with a past but sometimes I feel as if I am the only one who can't move past mine. I keep one foot in front of the other hoping/praying I will prevail.

So my life is a mix of messes right now. I really do believe the devil can get you down. Here I am making all these positive changes. I'm finally accepting love and believing I am lovable. I'm taking my new exercises classes and time for myself and then the bomb drops. I'm trying to let my son lead his own life (not easy) and just let him figure it all out. Not much unlike the rest of my life----don't take two steps forward because someone will throw you off of a cliff. I'm not stopping though---not this time. If Shane chooses to leave me ..... LEAVE. If my son chooses to have a relationship with a sperm donater that had NOTHING to do with him from birth....I choose to ACCEPT it. (This is a whole subject I've yet to blog about) If my daughter chooses to have a huge attitude and tell me how she can't wait for Sr. year to be over so she can move away. I will.just WALK AWAY. I'm not going to stop taking my classes I'm not going to feel guilty for doing things for myself. After all we are all supposed to love ourselves first right? 

Don't miss understand I love Shane and would jump in front of a bus for both of my children. I have to put myself first for once. I have 10 months until my 40th birthday and I want to be healthy! Sure I want to be rocking some size 7 jeans too but most of all I just want to feel good about how I look and feel. I'm sick of starting diets and exercise and quitting. I'm sick of giving up on MYSELF. So I pledge today to put myself FIRST!  Today I vow I will not let my past or my mistakes hold me back. I am considering my FAT my past, my mistakes and my insecurities. So I am going to do my best to LET IT GO~

I read this quote and feel in love. It is 100% true.

The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company... a church... a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our Attitudes.

Monday, September 24, 2012

Weekend bing

So....has anyone ever done this?
This was me around 6pm (Yes I said 6pm). I had this great idea to meet some people from work at the bar. I even talked another girl at work into going with me. So her and I ditched out of work thirty minutes early to hit the bar!

We walk in and it's all like a clip from the show "Cheers"  Really except add a few more girls to this mix.
I'm all depressed because of my melt down with Shane & work has been stressful and well LIFE!

So I'm all set to have a couple drinks which meant TWO and then go run errands and meet my friend for dinner. But instead this guy had a better idea-

I swear to the HEAVENS the bartender was pouring 3/4 with a splash of soda and me thinking I was a ROCKSTAR- Sure I may look like I am Lita Ford back in the day but ......LOL

Really I guess after I threw up a few times I even said "WHOO HOO I'M A ROCKSTAR"
Cute eh???!!! NOT SO MUCH! Don't skip lunch and think you can drink like a rockstar.

So my friend whom I was supposed to do dinner with came to the bar and I was TRASHED. She was nice enough to drive me home (SOBER) and I slept until 4am!

Let's be clear I know liquor doesn't solve your problems but......sure felt good for a few hours.

Saturday I had a wedding and I kept it simple with just a couple glasses of wine. Home by 10 pm.
Sunday still depressed in regards to Shane but.....flipped out like a nutcase on him. Started packing up my life and told him he better be damn sure this is what he wants because once I walk out that door I will NEVER come back. He asked me to give him a week....I've done things to piss him off and vise versa. We will see........I love him. I'm fighting for him. But I'm not going to stay in the ring for nothing.

My friend who I crapped out on Friday night came over yesterday. She was nice enough to drag me out of my depression and take Caitlin and I out for a burger and a couple beers- I was going to have a soda or water but they had a bucket special so I couldn't let her drink alone:
Anyway CHEERS to the FREAKIN' weekend!

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Dark hair for a dark mood...or maybe just for fall

So I went off my rocker and dyed myhair a dark brown with some red undertone. I LOVE IT!

Kinda fits my dark soul right now as well.  Here is a picture of me in my STUNNING work bathroom :)

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

You spin me right round baby~

UPDATE: Spinning.....SUCKS! I hate it I have sweat in places I didn't even know I had. If sweat really is fat crying I think I murdered my fat tonight! Not to mention my ass is killing me already.....pray for me....I have six weeks of this to endure.
 
On an upnote the music was good....so I kept singing. OUTLOUD so everyone could enjoy this great terriable voice of mine :)
 
I am attaching a picture of my spinning bike from HELL!

Spinning - Love it or Hate it ?

Spinning update #2 (just cuz I know yall love my updates)
Sweat=LIKE CRAZY, class went by much faster tonight, teacher found new ways to inflict pain, music was good (until she decided to have an extended version of a song)!I think I may have a love/hate relationship going on with this class. On an upnote...I didn't die :)
Oh and guess what.... 15.8 miles Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat! I know shocked...I don't know if I have ever done 15.8 miles of anything!
Just because I figured nobody would believe me I quick took a picture. It' s kinda blurry but hey my legs felt like JELLO!
I guess I have the motivation.....I just lack the HABIT!

Excercise? What? When? Where? Boring?

So I've been trying new forms of exercise. Trying to stay focused on getting healthy and fit! Tonight I start a SPINNING class. I'm excited and nervous. Here is to hoping I can walk tomorrow! Oh and right before this class I have Yoga for 1.5 hours. My whole night is going to be a workout!

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

If you really knew me.... (stole from Mama Laughlin)

If you really knew me...
...you'd know I like the smell of lemons.
...you'd know have two kids Dylan (20) Caitlin (17)
...you'd know I have a grandson Braeden (10 months) from (Dylan)
...you'd know I've been divorced for ummmm five years now
...you'd know I have serious anxiety when it comes to messes in my house (including kids room).
...you'd know I go in phases of "on caffeine" and "off caffeine"- currently in an "on" phase.
...you'd know I'm NOT a cat fan.
...you'd know I can quote a wide spectrum of movies and often do.
...you'd know I talk about my kids and cuss way too often.
...you'd know I just wanted to be a lawyer when growing up. Well, really, my thought process was I had friends that used to get into ALOT of trouble figured this way I could help get them out of it :)
...you'd know I love my house to smell good I burn candles ALL the time.
...you'd know I could plow through a bag of any type of chocolate in a matter of hours.
...you'd know I have 1 tattoos and I would like at least 2 more
...you'd know I am new to this little 'ole blog and plan to get better and post more often but I fail .ALOT I really want to have TONS of follwers like MAMA does
...you'd know I have seen all of the Twilight movies and went to the first two with my daughter for the midnight premiere (life of a mom to a teenager).
...you'd know I'd leave my boyfriend for Adam Levine, or Matthew McConaughey.
...you'd know I often keep quiet even when I have something to say.
...you'd know I am a sucker for my children
...you'd know I did play softball for years...even slipped into 1st base once LMAO.
...you'd know I am a worried parent. I worry about shit that will happen 5 years from now.
...you'd know I drink wine often...but still not often enough
...you'd know I NEVER take pictures of myself. To my defense: I hate the way I look so why bother. ...you'd know I am trying to get healthy. I have recently joined some new workout classes yoga (love), spinning (hate) and I'm doing C25K.
...you'd know I'd LOVE to workout with Jillian Michaels in a heartbeat. Is it wrong I'd like her to kick my ass in the gym? I guess I just want her to show me what I am capable of.
...you'd know I usually only watch  TV at night in bed and I LOVE two shows DEXTER do you watch it? If not you should..I heart that serial killer. Also, TRUE BLOOD I think I want to be a vampire.I kid I kid..
...you'd know I don't hold grudges.
...you'd know I am a SUCKER for a man who makes me laugh.