FiguringOutWhoIam

Who am I?

Do you ever wonder who you are? I mean you know your name, where you were born, who your family members are etc but who are you?

I found myself thinking about this statement on the drive to work today. I am alot of things.

• Daughter (Granddaughter, Daughter-In-Law)
• Sister
• Mother
• Friend
• Lover
• Employee
• An EX (LOL)

But really....who am I? So many things make up our lives and in turn make us the person we are today. Can you change history? Does your DNA have to be who you become?

I think you can break the chain.....but you have to be willing to make the tough choices to do so.

I had to change everything about my history of growing up to be a better parent than I had. I had to work harder and smarter so I wasn't poor as an adult like I was as a child. I had to learn to  love differently as an adult because love wasn't shown to me as a child. I even had to break away from most of my family to make these changes. It wasn't easy.....somedays I still struggle. I did it though. I am better then where I came from. I BROKE the chain.  I was lucky enough to have AMAZING great grandparents. Although they passed away when I was ten it still gave me enough time to learn life can be good. Sure I made mistakes I still do. But I fight the good fight of life....and doing it right this time.

My only armor left is my weight......and this time......I'm determined to put down my armor.

Running anyone?

So...night after night I set my alarm and tell myself "I'm going to run in the morning". The alarm goes off morning after morning I proceed to hit snoooooooooooze 101 times with just enough time to get up and ready for work. Hence NO RUNNING. Day after day I think to myself Darnit...tomorrow!  Well guess what .... TODAY was TOMORROW!

The alarm went off and guess what I hopped out of bed and threw on my running clothes. NOPE I actually hit snooze but only 1 time. I drug my happy ass out of bed put on my clothes dreading ever single minute. I grabbed Bear (my dog) figured he deserved a run because he was looking snazzy from going to the groomer yesterday.
Walked out into the crisp morning air I live in the Midwest and proceeded to do my C25K. When I was all done I was so HAPPY.  I felt GREAT which is exactly how I knew I would feel it is just the whole doing it thing that holds me up. I am SO ready to start my day!

 I also wore a snazzy new pair of compression socks. I bet you are thinking "who cares about socks" at least that was my train of thought but I found them on sale off of another blog I read and thought...how can I pass up a deal? I mean my FAMOUS last words are ... "But it was on sale" :) So back to these socks. I bought them off of a site called www.procompression.com they are simply awesome...and are helping with my calf pain oh did I mention they are PINK?!?

 I am sporting pink all month for breast cancer awareness month!   Oh and here is a good like to why you should wear compressions socks -- read it! http://www.procompression.com/why-pro-compression-socks

Have you heard of C25K? Couch to 5K supposed to take you from the couch to running a 5K. It works I used it last year and actually ended up running a 5K...a couple of them along with a couple 3K's. I was all bad ass thinking I was even going to attempt a 1/2 marathon. YEAH FREAKING RIGHT! Went on vacation and completely gave up the running thing. I love it--I hate it. I ALWAYS feel great afterward but once you fall off the horse it is hard to get back on. So I gave up proceeded eating and being unhealthy again and here I sit 20 lbs heavier but getting back on the horse.

So here I am ... a runner....I new runner AGAIN...but hey at least I'm running.

NEW LOW

So...I live in a basement now. How is that for throwing a wrench in the workout plans?

A FREAKING basement!

Granted this isn't the basement I live in but you get my drift---RIGHT?!?
Shane informed me he wasn't happy and wanted me to move out. WTH?!?

Background info: Came from a bad divorce drug and alchol atticted ex husband. Spent tweleve years of my life trying to fix him....that's what I do I am a fixer. I did finally have to throw in the towel because I finally realized there was no fixing the mess that had become my life.
I met Shane at my part time job. (Bartending) Nice guy. Him and his friends used to come into the bar about twice a month. They would tell me about their wives , work , etc. Months later Shane and his buddies come in and Shane is all down in the dumps because his wife had been cheating on him. His buddies were determined to have him drink away his problems (guy thing) so being the kind bartender I was I helped them out :) at the end of the night they took off to finish their bar hopping and I told them I'd see them in a few weeks.  Low and behold a few days later a lady from purchasing calls my office and says "I hear you got one of my friends drunk"? I was like "WHAT"???!!! I mean I'm now at my office job and it's a different enviroment and well I can't explain it but hopefully you understand. I walk out to my friends office and who was in there---SHANE. I was all thrown off ..... I just looked at him and said oh hey-turned walked out and went back to my office. Rude me...I just didn't want my two lives combined. Granted I was a good girl at the bar. I didn't flirt and people knew I was married etc. people just didn't know I was getting a divorce and the deal with my ex.  I was friendly but not over friendly understand?
So here is where it started. Shane would call for the purchasing lady ..... but sometimes I would happen to answer the phone and then we started to chit chat. He asked me out--I said no. I told him I was going through a divorce as well and just wasn't in the place to date. He understood and just said "well I'm here if you ever need to talk" months passed and slowly we would talk more and more. I would vent about things going on and he would give me a "guys" view of things. Even tried to see if there was a way to save my marriage and I knew there wasn't. He had brought in his new girlfriend and I was happy for him and we forged a friendship. Needless to say insert more months and a breakup of him and his gf and he asked me out again. Of course I said NO but we stayed friends....but now we did start hanging out. With the other guys in his group and their wives/ girlfriends. It was nice to have a friend. Time heals all wounds as they say and before long I realized I liked him ALOT. But I had built a fortress around myself and didn't know how to take it down. Over the last  4 1/2 years he has stood by me and honestly been a good guy. We did have one minor breakup for about six months but it was over him wanting another child and me being beyond that point in my life. He decided to go out and date which I had given him my blessing but he came back and said he loved me and couldn't imagine his life without me in it. Told me that his son and my two kids are enough family for him.  Now this---
.
HE was the one that kept pushing me and pushing me.  I just wanted to be friends in the beginning.  He pushed till it was more.  Then pushed wanting me to move in, telling me that I was foolish not to, etc.  So I  finally settle on the fact that he IS good for me and he IS what I need and want, and I moved in.  Even though I had promised myself I wouldn't move in with anyone again until after both of my kids were in college and or on their own. I went against my own damn rule. Because I listened to my stupid STUPID heart. So now I swear I want to punch his f’ing lights out for all that pushing and having it come down to this.

I simply don't get it...I don't understand....but I will survive. Just all sucks because I really believed he was my happy ever after

Life & Attitude

I've been doing alot of soul searching. Somethings I'd rather just turn my mind off than think of the what, when, where and how of the situations. I'm not the only one with a past but sometimes I feel as if I am the only one who can't move past mine. I keep one foot in front of the other hoping/praying I will prevail. So my life is a mix of messes right now. I really do believe the devil can get you down. Here I am making all these positive changes. I'm finally accepting love and believing I am lovable. I'm taking my new exercises classes and time for myself and then the bomb drops. I'm trying to let my son lead his own life (not easy) and just let him figure it all out. Not much unlike the rest of my life----don't take two steps forward because someone will throw you off of a cliff. I'm not stopping though---not this time. If Shane chooses to leave me ..... LEAVE. If my son chooses to have a relationship with a sperm donater that had NOTHING to do with him from birth....I choose to ACCEPT it. (This is a whole subject I've yet to blog about) If my daughter chooses to have a huge attitude and tell me how she can't wait for Sr. year to be over so she can move away. I will.just WALK AWAY. I'm not going to stop taking my classes I'm not going to feel guilty for doing things for myself. After all we are all supposed to love ourselves first right?  Don't miss understand I love Shane and would jump in front of a bus for both of my children. I have to put myself first for once. I have 10 months until my 40th birthday and I want to be healthy! Sure I want to be rocking some size 7 jeans too but most of all I just want to feel good about how I look and feel. I'm sick of starting diets and exercise and quitting. I'm sick of giving up on MYSELF. So I pledge today to put myself FIRST!  Today I vow I will not let my past or my mistakes hold me back. I am considering my FAT my past, my mistakes and my insecurities. So I am going to do my best to LET IT GO~ I read this quote and feel in love. It is 100% true. The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company... a church... a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our Attitudes.”

Charles R. Swindoll quotes

Weekend bing

So....has anyone ever done this?

This was me around 6pm (Yes I said 6pm). I had this great idea to meet some people from work at the bar. I even talked another girl at work into going with me. So her and I ditched out of work thirty minutes early to hit the bar!

We walk in and it's all like a clip from the show "Cheers"  Really except add a few more girls to this mix.
I'm all depressed because of my melt down with Shane & work has been stressful and well LIFE!

So I'm all set to have a couple drinks which meant TWO and then go run errands and meet my friend for dinner. But instead this guy had a better idea-

I swear to the HEAVENS the bartender was pouring 3/4 with a splash of soda and me thinking I was a ROCKSTAR- Sure I may look like I am Lita Ford back in the day but ......LOL

Really I guess after I threw up a few times I even said "WHOO HOO I'M A ROCKSTAR"
Cute eh???!!! NOT SO MUCH! Don't skip lunch and think you can drink like a rockstar.

So my friend whom I was supposed to do dinner with came to the bar and I was TRASHED. She was nice enough to drive me home (SOBER) and I slept until 4am!

Let's be clear I know liquor doesn't solve your problems but......sure felt good for a few hours.

Saturday I had a wedding and I kept it simple with just a couple glasses of wine. Home by 10 pm.
Sunday still depressed in regards to Shane but.....flipped out like a nutcase on him. Started packing up my life and told him he better be damn sure this is what he wants because once I walk out that door I will NEVER come back. He asked me to give him a week....I've done things to piss him off and vise versa. We will see........I love him. I'm fighting for him. But I'm not going to stay in the ring for nothing.

My friend who I crapped out on Friday night came over yesterday. She was nice enough to drag me out of my depression and take Caitlin and I out for a burger and a couple beers- I was going to have a soda or water but they had a bucket special so I couldn't let her drink alone:

Anyway CHEERS to the FREAKIN' weekend!

Dark hair for a dark mood...or maybe just for fall

So I went off my rocker and dyed myhair a dark brown with some red undertone. I LOVE IT!

Kinda fits my dark soul right now as well.  Here is a picture of me in my STUNNING work bathroom :)

You spin me right round baby~

UPDATE: Spinning.....SUCKS! I hate it I have sweat in places I didn't even know I had. If sweat really is fat crying I think I murdered my fat tonight! Not to mention my ass is killing me already.....pray for me....I have six weeks of this to endure.

 

On an upnote the music was good....so I kept singing. OUTLOUD so everyone could enjoy this great terriable voice of mine :)

 

I am attaching a picture of my spinning bike from HELL!