Today is the day.....today is the day I tell the world and maybe the first time I admit it to myself

So I left for vacation on March 31st and for some unknown reason I decided to step on the scale. Now why would one do this right before leaving on vacation? I have NO idea....my mind if full of mystery. I think it was one of those spur of the minute ideas and then as soon as you step on the scale you scream WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING!?!?!

I had planned on getting on the scale as soon as I returned from AZ and decided that would be my starting point. Why? I don't know maybe so I could gain a couple more lbs and not feel guilty maybe so I could have one more week to just hide myself from the reality of  me being FAT. I haven't figured out how my mind works yet so who am I to guess.

One thing I do know is I am sad. Sad that every single year I say I won't get any bigger. Sad that I used to blame my ex-husband for telling me how fat I was so I kept gaining to piss him off. Sad that I think I continue to get fat to hide myself from some childhood sadness. Somehow I blame the fat like it is my prison. But who choose to live in this prison? ME! Why? I am happy (except for not getting along with my son--long story) I really am HAPPY. But inside I have some stuff to fix. I've known this for quite awhile. I started to fix it but then pushed it back into the closet so I didn't have to face it. The fact that a year ago I was skinner and running and most of all feeling good about myself tells me alot. Dealing with issues head on worked. Stuffing them in the closet doesn't.

Back to the scale 3/3/12 = 217.3 (YIKES) Biggest I have EVER been in my life.
and after vaction  4/7/12 = 217.8 (WHAT) that was my first reaction. I only gained .5 lb on vacation!

So earlier I said I don't know what I was thinking getting on the scale right before walking out the door on vacation. But you know what I think my mind knew exactly what it was doing. I didn't over eat sure I did indulge a bit. But I thought about most everything I was eating. I even suggested a hike to my family. I about died doing it but I suggested it and we did it. I hiked a mountain! (Small but still)

A year ago I was at 198 and I swore to myself I would NEVER let myself weigh 200lbs. I started running, eating right and just plain taking care of myself. I did two 3K's and a 5K and I lost about 24-27 lbs. Most of all though I felt GREAT! STRONG! POWERFUL! Sure I hated working out most days I had to drag myself out of the house to run or go to the gym. But when I finished I ALWAYS felt good. I can't explain it. It's a type of high....and I loved it. Then I let it slip I gave up on myself.

So here today is when I stop hiding in a closet. I stop thinking I can't do it.

Today is when I start admitting I need help. I start putting me first for once. Today I find the JOANNE I wan't to be the me I know I can be! Today the scale only goes down from here on out. I want to be healthy I don't want to be on medications anymore. I just want to be so much more than I am at this point. I know I can do it.